Ten Days In October
by lijep
Summary: In the aftermath of losing Olivia in a car accident, Casey struggles to handle the tragedy of losing the most important person in her life. CaseyOlivia, CaseyElliot.
1. Chapter 1

Ten Days in October

By: Lijep

A/N: Weird and true story. The title came from something totally unrelated to this story. My parents are going on a ten day Caribbean cruise in October. So, there's the title. Anyway, this is Casey/Olivia, Casey (and partially Olivia, for the first chapter) POV, character death, angst story. Ten chapters, one for each day, and length is to be determined. Here we go! Beta'ed by Color Esperanza.

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_**Ten Days in October**_

_**Day 1: October 22**_

**Casey POV**

I was surprised when I stepped out of my house and was greeted by a blast of cold air. October was a strange month, somewhat like April. Warm one day, freezing the next. I pulled a pair of gloves out of my coat pocket and pulled them onto my hands, already turning red from the cold. I rubbed my cheeks, surely growing rosy, and opened the door to my car. As I was about to pull on my seatbelt, my cell phone rang in my purse, loudly, and more startling than absolutely necessary. I dug around in my bag and pulled out the phone, flipping it open to see my house number on the caller ID screen.

"You didn't leave any hot water. Or any coffee. Keep this up, Novak, and you'll find yourself sleeping alone," Olivia said in form of greeting.

"Good morning to you too," I said, knowing Olivia's tendency for a short temper in the mornings. I could see the scene playing out, her body wrapped in a bathrobe after her freezing cold shower, opening and closing my cabinets trying to remember where I kept the coffee. "Listen, Olivia, I'm due in chambers. I have to go, or I'm going to be late. And you know how Petrovsky gets."

"Don't we all? You'll be by the station later?"

"As long as nothing comes up," I said, turning a corner and nearly dropping my phone.

Olivia took that as a goodbye and hung up the phone as I continued to drive. I picked up my travel mug and took a sip of piping hot coffee, burning my mouth and nearly spitting the drink all over myself. I managed to swallow, and waved my hand in front of my mouth to cool it off. The coffee was black, and tasted horrible, but it had caffeine, which was enough for me. I was out of milk, again, but I had spent the night working on my case, and by the time Olivia got home it was too late to go buy any. It was typical, both of us working long hours. We barely had a relationship as it was, but we made it work. Somehow, we made it happen. I guess it was one of those corny sayings, like "When you love somebody, what's meant to be will always find its way" or something like that.

Moments passed, and I arrived at work. Another day at work, and all I could ever think about was Olivia.

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**Olivia POV**

Of course, Casey couldn't have mentioned that it was about forty degrees outside. She was so absentminded. I'm surprised she could remember her own name half of the time. Damn good attorney, and I'm not just saying that because we're sleeping together, but she'd forget her own head if it wasn't attached. In a perfect example, I woke up this morning to a shower colder than the temperature outside and not one drop of coffee in the pot. And of course, I was already running late for work.

I got dressed, quickly, grabbed a cup of coffee in a small deli, and headed off to work. Elliot was going to kill me for being late, again. Then, after losing it sufficiently, he would crack some sort of lame joke, something like "Everyone meet the new assistant to the ADA". He always does that. It's slightly hilarious that he finds himself so funny. Men, no wonder I gave up on them.

The car came out of nowhere. I may have been speeding. I don't remember. And then…

Crash.

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TBC

A/N: Read & Review


	2. Chapter 2

Ten Days in October

By: Lijep

A/N: The rest of this story will be Casey POV

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**_Ten Days in October_**  
**_Day 2: October 23_**

How come when you want something to be reality, it turns out to be just a dream? How come when you want something to be a dream - or in this case, a nightmare - it turns out to be reality? How come my life always seems to play out that way?

I was in yesterday's clothes and nursing a hospital coffee when I heard footsteps at the door.

"I'm sorry, Casey, I didn't mean to intrude…" Elliot's voice came softly; I didn't need to turn to see who it was.

"No, you probably have more of a right to see her than I do. You've known her much longer, anyway."

"Yeah, like that matters."

Elliot pulled a chair from beside the bedside table and sat down next to me. "Holding up okay?"

"Yes…well, no. I can't…lose her, Elliot. Besides the job, she's really all I have." Damn, I hated to cry, especially in front of people. I was holding Olivia's hand and I lowered my head to our intertwined fingers and cried. Elliot's tendency to show emotion was low, but I found it comforting when he pressed a hand to my back and rubbed it tentatively as I cried. And I wasn't surprised when I heard a sniff of emotion a few moments later. They were, after all, each other's best friends. I had seen Olivia accompany Elliot to many a football game for Dickie, or a prom night for Maureen and Kathleen. She had been present in Elliot's house since the divorce, helping him out and playing stepmother to four kids.

"We can't lose her, Casey. We need her."

And I realized, crying there in the hospital room, that his need was just as deep as mine.

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I had fallen asleep, I guessed. Elliot was gone, and it had grown dark outside. Olivia's hospital room seemed that much more intimidating at night, the only light coming from the green glow of the monitor as it played its sick, twisted melody of carefully measured beeps. I shivered slightly, and looked for a way to warm myself. But I had nothing, only the thin shirt I had been wearing when I arrived at the hospital that day. Yet I didn't want to leave. I was terrified of what would happen if I did. I was lost; I was scared; I wasn't strong enough to handle this. I heard voices outside the room, and they shocked me. I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear, but I couldn't help but listen.

"Her condition's serious. The concussion knocked her into a vegetative coma. She might not wake up."

"It's horrible. She's had visitors all day. She's a detective, you know. Always happens to the best people."

"Yeah. Lady in there now hasn't left her side. I heard two of her friends talking before, I think they're together. Girl's name is Casey, an attorney or something like that."

"It's a shame. Sometimes it's just easier when they have no family or friends."

I listened intently, trying not to miss a single word, yet hurting more with every word said. Olivia was dying; there was a possibility I would never be able to look into her eyes and tell her I loved her. I might never see her smile again, I might never hear the laugh that was so rarely used, the same one that gave me goose bumps and inevitably made me smile. No, life wasn't fair. This always happened to the best people.

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11:09 PM. I was feeling tired, and ready to sleep again. A doctor walked in, doing rounds. He began checking Olivia, moving her arms and legs, testing her reflexes, shining a light into her pupils, listening to her still beating heart.

"What are her chances?"

"It's hard to tell." His voice was one I had heard in the hallway earlier.

"Is she going to pull through?"

"All we can do is hope," he said, pressing a hand briefly on my shoulder before leaving the room.

And with that, I leaned down on the bedpost and cried myself to sleep.

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TBC

A/N: Read & Review


	3. Chapter 3

Ten Days in October

By: Lijep

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**_Ten Days in October_**  
**_Day 3: October 24_**

I was freezing. Despite the hot cup of tea I was nursing and my steaming hot shower moments before, my teeth chattered as I wrapped my robe closer around my quivering body. I hadn't wanted to leave the hospital, but Elliot had insisted, promising to call me the second things changed, if they did. I dreaded his phone call, wanting it and dreading it at the same time. Because although there was a chance she would wake up, I was terrified that his call would bring news of her death, instead of her life.

I tried to distract myself by turning on the TV, but each thought brought me back to Olivia, lying in that bed. She was unanimated, she was practically dead. Yet everyone still held on to the hope that she was alive and that she'd wake up soon. I tried not to think. I wanted to just breathe, clear my mind of all thought, and do nothing. Nothing worked.

Ten minutes later, I was in my bed, with blankets wrapped around my freezing body. I couldn't look to my left; I saw a picture of Olivia and me. I couldn't look to the right; Olivia's imprint was still in the bed and the smell of her perfume was still on the pillow. I hadn't slept alone in a long time, and I forgot what it was like to not have Olivia's arms around me, to not have my arms around Olivia. Why, when I had finally figured out what love was after so many failed attempts, was what I had taken away from me in a split second?

The phone rang. It was my cell phone, lighting up, Elliot's number on the screen. My breath caught in my throat, and I stopped breathing momentarily. My hand shook as I reached for the phone, and my voice came small and scared, like a lost little girl who was just looking for a simple reassurance that she was safe.

"Hello?"

"Casey, it's El. I think…just come to the hospital. Meet me in the parking lot."

The words wouldn't make their way into my mouth, so I hung up the phone. My mind had stopped working, and I could barely get dressed. I grabbed my keys, but dropped them again. I knew I was in no condition to drive. The air bit at my cheeks as I made my way to a subway station. I collapsed inside a train, and couldn't keep the tears from falling any longer. I was exhausted, and rested my head against the wall of the train, listening for my stop. It came all too soon, and I could barely maneuver my way out of the station. It was late, and despite a few scattered NYPD cops, some of whom I recognized, I was basically alone in the station. I walked the remaining five blocks to Bellevue, and met Elliot in the downstairs lot. He looked cold, and I saw the look on his face from a mile away.

"Is she…?" I asked, as soon as I was close enough to Elliot for him to hear me.

"She died, Casey, just slipped away from us. The doctors said she didn't feel any pain, but that doesn't really help us, does it?" Elliot looked lost, like a man who had nothing more to lose, and in reality, he didn't. He had lost his wife, and now, he had lost Olivia, the one person who had gotten him through the divorce.

I couldn't form many words, I could barely think. But I managed to choke out one word: "When?"

"Maybe…twenty minutes before I called you. I wanted to call you ASAP, I just…had to gain my composure, you know. She was…my best friend, Casey. She was, most literally, everything to me. I always said it was too bad that she was gay." At that point, Elliot began to cry, and I moved a step closer to envelop him in a hug. By the time Elliot's head was on my shoulder, I was sobbing quietly. Olivia was really gone, and the impact was just hitting me. Elliot pulled back, wiping his eyes carefully.

"Let's go in," he said, extending his hand out for mine. I was nervous, but the feeling of my hand in Elliot's made everything feel better. He was helping that lost little girl inside of me find her way.

As I entered the hospital, I noticed I was the last to arrive. The entire SVU team was there, and they all looked equally devastated. Olivia always had been the glue that held them together through all the tough cases, all the hard times. Being the only woman, she was the voice of reason.

"You can…see her, if you want," Elliot said, finally releasing my hand. I nodded gently, and a doctor accompanied me into Olivia's room. A feeling of doom hung throughout the air, and the suffocating feel of death loomed over everything.

"Liv…" I whispered the endearment gently, and then grabbed her hand in mine. It was cold, lifeless, and I knew, in that moment, that I had lost Olivia forever. I intertwined her fingers with mine, and cried freely, no longer scared of who saw me crying. I needed Olivia in my life, and now I didn't have her. It was as though the world was literally crashing around me, around us. I couldn't sit in the room for five seconds longer, and I got up to leave. The tears came in floods now, and I was as close to hysterical as it was possible to be. Elliot was waiting outside the door for me, and I collapsed on his chest, a heaving, crying mess. I missed her already, and she was barely gone. I knew that my life was forever changed, and although I may eventually move on, I would never heal. I would never love a woman the way I loved Olivia. She was my one, my only, the only person I could ever truly love. And as the tears flowed faster and faster, as Elliot stroked my hair gently as he held me, I knew my heart would forever be with her.

That was the day Olivia died.

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TBC


	4. Chapter 4

Ten Days in October

By: Lijep

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews I've gotten so far. A special thanks to my beta, Color Esperanza, for doing a wonderful job. Also, to idinakristinfan for reviewing all three chapters and reading diligently! You guys rock.

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**_Ten Days in October_**  
**_Day 4: October 25_**

I never really had someone that close to me die before. Oh yes, I had experienced death, but only when I was young, and I hadn't fully understand the concept of how a death tore someone – or several people, as it may be - apart. But with Olivia's death, I felt as though my world was slowly unraveling before me, and I could do nothing to stop it. It seemed somehow like a bad sci-fi action movie, where an asteroid was hurtling towards the earth in slow motion, and despite all the main hero's efforts, it still hit the earth. That was how I felt.

Since I had left the hospital – with me in my hysterical mess – I had been with Elliot. I had gone to his house without question; I guess at the time, it just felt right to me. Without Olivia there, neither of us knew what to do. Misery really does love company. We didn't talk of the death; in fact, we didn't talk for hours. We had both showered and changed; I was wearing a ridiculously oversized pair of sweatpants and NYPD t-shirt. Yet, somehow, sitting on the couch, having a beer with Elliot, just felt okay for the time being. I could tell that he and I were both thinking about Olivia. When he noticed me crying, he passed me a box of tissues and placed his hand on mine gently. And for the first time, he spoke.

"You'll get through this. We'll get through it." His voice was barely a whisper, but as I looked into his eyes, I knew he meant it. Somehow, he knew. I didn't realize that, beneath the façade of the tough-guy cop, was the man behind the woman. Olivia had been his partner for around eight years, much longer than the average tour of duty in SVU. Also, they had shared a bond that many partners didn't share. Not only were they always together at work, they were each other's support system. Olivia was known for her late night phone calls to Elliot when something in her life wasn't going well. From what I understood, the night Alexandra Cabot left for Witness Protection, he had spent the night in her apartment, holding her hand as she cried.

I changed the subject hurriedly. I was too close to tears, and the death was becoming more real for me every second. "Did she love Alex, Elliot? How she loved me?"

He looked confused, wondering why I would bring it up. But he figured it was best to answer.

"Olivia loved you, Casey. I know she did. But, I don't know. Does it matter?"

"I couldn't ever ask her. I didn't want to think I was just a replacement for Alex, but I couldn't help it. I loved – love – her more than any person I have ever been with. I hate to sound horribly selfish, especially at a time like this. But…" my voice trailed off. I wasn't even sure it was relevant at this point. I just, I wanted to know, I guess.

Elliot rubbed his eyes, and linked our hands together tighter, somehow protecting me from what he was about to say. "Alex had this weird kind of effect on Olivia. She helped Olivia come out; she was her first real girlfriend. There was no doubt in my mind that they were meant for each other. I know it's hard to hear, but it's true. Once everyone found out about the relationship, it seemed like nothing could go wrong. And then Alex left. It was scary, the way Olivia withdrew from the world. She was quiet, reserved, and depressed. Nobody was happy about Olivia's state. When you came, we were still trying to fix her. But it turns out she didn't need us. She needed you, Casey." Elliot paused, as though unsure how to continue.

"Go on," I said, nudging our linked hands against his knee.

"She found what she needed in you. You and Alex are so similar, yet so drastically different at the same time. You loved Olivia in the same way, which was with your whole hearts, but she loved you both in different ways. Oh, she loved you both fully, but there were different…characteristics…that she found endearing in both of you. But she always said, especially to me, that both of you loved her, and you both made her feel like the most beautiful person in the world. So yes, you may have been, in essence, a replacement for Alex. But she never wanted to let you go. She told me that if Alex ever came back, she wouldn't be able to go back to her. It was because she loved you."

I sat shocked into silence. Even when she wasn't here, Olivia could still render me speechless. I was crying and smiling at the same time.

"I miss her, Elliot. I miss her with every bone, muscle, and thought. She was my life. I don't have anything else left, besides the job."

"I know," he said. "Trust me, I know."

I leaned back on the couch and released Elliot's hand. We sipped our drinks in silence again, letting the memories build in our mind. Every once in a while, a hand would reach out for a tissue, or a solitary chuckle could be heard. I checked my watch, and was surprised to see it was late, forty-five minutes to midnight. The next day was fast approaching, and Olivia's untimely death would be hanging over us again. Elliot and I were making the funeral plans, and the viewing was the next day. I didn't know if I was ready, but I had no choice. As if reading my mind, Elliot fetched me a blanket and pillow, and I made a makeshift bed on the couch.

"If you want," he paused, "you can sleep on my floor. It's not comfortable, but it's better than being alone." I followed him upstairs, and made the floor as comfortable as possible.

We both pretended to sleep for around ten minutes, until Elliot spoke again.

"I know you may not be a fan of her, but I wish Alex knew."

"Me too," I said. "She deserves to know."

And with that, I rested my head on the pillow and was asleep within seconds.

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TBC


	5. Chapter 5

Ten Days in October

By: Lijep A/N: Sorry for the lack of updates! Between schoolwork and a system reboot on my computer, this story slipped away from me for a couple of days. I'm back now. Thanks for the reviews and thanks to my beta, Color Esperanza. By the way, the italicized parts in this chapter are Casey's flashback.

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**_Ten Days in October_**  
**_Day 5: October 26_**

The one thing I will always remember about that day was the wind. It wasn't a gentle breeze or a warm wind. It was a chilly wind that bit at your fingers and cheeks, the kind that whipped your hair into your face so hard that it almost hurt. I brushed my hair out of my face every few seconds, but I knew that I was fighting a losing battle. I was sitting on the steps of the funeral home, figuring that the cold air outside would be fresh, as opposed to the suffocating feel of the building. There was a small viewing inside; not many people showed up, but it felt as though there were thousands of people packed into a room much too small. Maybe I just didn't want to face her body, to look at her and know she was gone once and for all. Either way, I did know one thing. I needed air.

I had been sitting outside for sometime around ten minutes when Elliot came out, yanking a pair of black leather gloves onto his hands to protect them to the cold. I was freezing, but I had forgotten my coat inside and didn't want to run back in to get out. I knew if I did, I would be faced with a friend of hers and have nothing to say. It was too awkward, talking to people I barely knew over such tragic circumstances. However, I didn't mind Elliot. Over the past five days, he had become my support, catching me before I hit the ground.

"You must be freezing," he said. He pulled the heavy coat off of his body and placed it on my shoulders. Then he sat down next to me on the step.

"Holding up okay?" he asked after a few minutes.

We didn't make eye contact. I knew if I looked into his eyes, I would lose it. I couldn't handle that, not today.

"Yes…well, no. I'm not okay. I don't know when I will be." As much as I tried to fight it, tears made their way into my eyes. Without any more questions, Elliot wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me close. He held me for a few minutes until my tears stopped, and then he turned to go back inside. At the door, he paused, and turned to look at me.

"Coming?"

"In a bit; I need to clear my mind first." Elliot nodded, and walked back in, rubbing his hands together to warm them.

I began to think. The memories crashed upon me like waves, enveloping me and drowning me. Yet one stood out. It was the winter before and there was fierce snowstorm, one rare in the city. The power had gone out, and Olivia and I were trying to keep warm and eat the food in my refrigerator so it didn't spoil.

"_Want some yogurt?" Olivia called into the living room. She was poised in front of my fridge with an armful of food, trying to decide what needed to be eaten first. _

"_Liv, I honestly don't think I can eat any more food." I stood up with a blanket wrapped around me and padded my way into the kitchen. Olivia was only wearing a small camisole and pajama pants, and I wrapped myself around her from behind, covering her with the blanket. I pressed a kiss to her cheek gently and whispered into her ear. "Come back into the living room with me."_

_She put her food down on the kitchen table and we made our way back to my couch. It didn't take long before we were wrapped in each other's arms underneath the blanket. Olivia captured her mouth with mine and we kissed gently at first, but then we became more passionate. And as her hand got tangled into my hair and our tongues met, it didn't seem quite so cold out anymore. We broke for air, our lips slightly red from the prolonged kissing, and we looked into each other's eyes. After collecting my thoughts for a minute, I realized what had happened. Her eyes held the same revelation and at that point, we both knew. We had fallen in love. _

I was in love with her on that day. I was in love with her outside the funeral home. I would never stop being in love with Olivia.

And at that moment, I knew it was finally time to say goodbye. I stood with Elliot's coat wrapped tightly around me and opened the heavy black door. I moved through the crowd of police dressed in uniform, proper attire for the funeral of a colleague. I stood at Olivia's casket and looked at the body inside, not trying to stop the tears when they began to flow. Elliot walked by and placed a hand on my shoulder gently, before moving away to talk with Cragen and Munch. I touched Olivia's hand gently and silently prayed in my head. When I was finished and about to walk away, I whispered to the body in the casket a single sentence. In my mind, it was the only thing I needed to say.

"I'll never stop loving you."

And with that, I moved away from the casket and back into the cold October air, just trying to breathe.

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TBC


	6. Chapter 6

Ten Days in October

By: Lijep

A/N: Thanks to the reviewer..? People come on…show me some love! I adore idinakristinfan for reviewing all the chapters, but I know from my hit count that a lot more of you are reading. So ship in those reviews, whether they be positive or constructive criticism. Thanks!

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**_Ten Days in October_**  
**_Day 6: October 27_**

My thought process must have been off. I thought that maybe going back to the office and concentrating on work and legal issues would take my mind off of Olivia. And yet, trapped in the confines of the ridiculously small office provided to all of the ADA's, I was scribbling case notes on a legal pad and every thought was about Olivia. I put down my pen, which I noted was almost out of ink, and rested my forehead into my sore and tired hands. I pushed my hair out of my eyes and slowly exhaled, feeling suddenly claustrophobic in the office. I stopped thinking for a moment, and then lunged into my purse for my cell phone.

It wasn't long until I was scrolling through my address book absent-mindedly, just looking for a little bit of sympathy and someone to listen. My contacts mostly consisted of colleagues, cops, and other work acquaintances. And, although they all knew of Olivia's death, none of them had any idea what exactly I was going through. In fact, very few even knew of our relationship. Besides SVU, some people at the DA's office had figured things out when Olivia and I had been spending lunchtime in my office every day for a few weeks straight.

I didn't know what made me think of my mother, and I have no clue what kind of force possessed me to call her. She was completely in the dark about me being a lesbian. I nearly shuddered when I thought about the results of not only revealing my sexuality to her, but also telling her that my girlfriend, the person I loved more than any horrible prom date I had been set up with, was dead.

As I tapped my fingers on the desk, her phone rang once, twice, three times and was interrupted during the fourth. I knew that she never picked up her phone without looking at the caller ID first, so she knew it was me on the line. Yet when she answered, her voice was cold and strangely clipped, as though she was speaking to a perfect stranger instead of her own daughter, her flesh and blood.

"Hello?"

I winced slightly at the harshness of her voice. It felt like the wind of the day before, the wind on the day of Olivia's viewing. I knew that the distance between my mother and me was partly my fault. When I had realized and admitted to myself that I was gay, I slowly severed the once close ties I had had with my mother. She had been raised – and had raised me – as a strict Catholic. She was strongly opposed to the very idea of homosexuality. At first, I found it wrong as well. But I slowly accepted it, realizing I couldn't change who I was and whom I loved. I wanted my mother to see things my way, but I knew she wouldn't. I imagined that if I told her I was a lesbian, she would disown me. So I kept it from her and since I started at SVU – since I had met Olivia – I had neither seen nor spoken to my mother.

"Mom…it's Casey," I said, even though she already knew it was me. The hurt in my voice was evident, though I didn't know why it was there. I didn't know if it was the pain from Olivia's death or the feeling of what had happened with my mother and me. Maybe it was the fact that I was somehow upset with how I had ended up. I had been happy with Olivia and the life I had chosen, but I knew other people had regrets. I had crushed so many expectations in my life that people had set for me. My mother encouraged medical school, yet I found law to be a more thrilling and satisfying career path. By my age, she had been praying for a stable marriage, a kid or two, socially acceptable friends, and a generally happy life. However, I was a lesbian with a dead girlfriend, every last one of my friends was a cop, and everything in my seemingly happy life was slowly unraveling.

My mother, despite the differences between us and the amount of time between our last conversation, noticed the upset tone of my voice and was still concerned about me.

"What's wrong Casey?" Her voice was suddenly tender, trying to find out what was wrong, only wanting to be a mother and take away what was hurting her daughter.

I was now holding back the tears, though I was not doing an extremely well job with it. A lone tear slipped down my cheek slowly, almost stealthily, as though it was ashamed to be there.

"There's so much to say, Mom." I nearly choked on my words as the tears began to flow freely now.

"Casey, you can tell me."

I paused, contemplating the truth of my mother's previous statement. I then decided that I couldn't hide from her any longer. There was no point in it, and I was honestly hurting myself more than I was hurting her.

"I'm gay, mom. My girlfriend just died, on the 24th. I don't know what to do. I'm sort of…lost without her." I rested my head against my free hand and rubbed my eyes gently, somehow trying to stop the imminent flow of tears. But it did no good, and the tears came. I cried nearly hysterically for a few minutes, and the only sound that I heard was the sound of my sobs and my mother's quiet breathing on the other end of the line.

Once I had calmed down, my mother began to speak again.

"Casey…I don't know what to say. How come you never told me?"

"I know the way you are, Mom. I know just because your own daughter was a lesbian didn't mean your opinion was going to change. But now I need you, I need you like I've never needed you or anyone else before," I cried into the phone. I still wasn't quite convinced that I was having this conversation with my mother, but I was. And nothing was going to change now, the truth was out.

My mother didn't speak. She didn't know what to say. But I could feel the disappointment radiating through the phone. I had let down another expectation, and instead of consoling me, she didn't speak. I couldn't bear the silence. I couldn't bear this pseudo-conversation, and I was done trying to make things right with my mother. I had done this for Olivia – the fact that I didn't speak with my mother always seemed to bother her – and the feeling of letting Olivia down was greater than that of letting my mother down.

"I have to go, I have work to do," I whispered into the phone. I was about to click off when I heard her speak again.

"I'm sorry, Casey."

But I knew that she wasn't. I knew she only wanted to make things right for her own benefits, and not for mine. It was pointless.

"I'm sorry, Olivia. I tried."

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TBC

A/N: Reviews?


	7. Chapter 7

Ten Days in October

By: Lijep

A/N: Thanks to my reviewers! You guys help me out so much with your encouragement. Also, thanks to my beta Color Esperanza, for returning my work as quickly as possible.

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**_Ten Days in October_**  
**_Day 7: October 28th_**

I awoke to a bright, sunny, and warm morning. The sun streaming through my sheer curtains - one of the few hints of decoration in my house - had woken me up. I looked to my right and noted that I was almost used to sleeping alone, although it never seemed to hurt any less. I remembered some of Olivia's last words to me on the day of the accident:

"_Keep this up, Novak, and you'll find yourself sleeping alone."_

I sighed at the harsh reality of the statement. The impact of the day hit me slowly, yet surely, and I realized that it was the day of Olivia's funeral. I hadn't forgotten, but it didn't seem it could happen so soon. The past seven days had flown by, and it seemed like years ago I was crying into Elliot's chest in the hospital. I closed my eyes as the feelings of the week crashed upon me. The last week had not only been about Olivia, but it had also been about me, about us. In that moment, I realized what it was like to be in love someone with your whole heart and soul, and I realized that is how I had felt about Olivia. An eighteen-wheeler of emotion ran throughout me as I stood at my window and let the morning sun drench my tired body.

The phone rang. It sounded loud and lonely in my nearly empty bedroom, and I leapt to answer it, if only to stop the ringing. However, when I reached the phone and read the name illuminated on the caller ID screen, my body froze. It was Elliot. I hadn't expected to see him until the funeral, but I realized as I clicked the phone on, this day was going to be as hard for him as it was for me. I sat down to try and steady my shaking legs, and I held the phone up to my ear.

"Elliot, what's up?" I tried to maintain a feeling of cool calmness in my voice, yet the unstable shaking gave away any emotion that I was trying to conceal. I didn't know how I could manage seeing Elliot, how I would handle her funeral, how I would handle the day.

"I can't deal with this Casey. I'm not ready to say goodbye…I can't say goodbye." Elliot Stabler, the man known for his tough demeanor and low tendency to show emotion, was breaking down to me, the ADA he didn't really know particularly well, over the phone. "I don't know if you really want to hear this…" At that statement, I drew a sharp breath. "…but I feel like it needs to be said. I loved her, Casey. I loved that woman more than – God, more than anything. I never knew that kind of love. It was always one-sided, yet I always clung to hope. I can't go to her funeral. I can't say goodbye."

Elliot dissolved into tears and I was shocked into silence. His revelation was something I always perceived to be true, yet it still shocked me to hear him say it. I had been a witness to his love for her. I saw the looks he would give her, I noticed that he rubbed her arm a little longer than necessary when he was giving her that reassuring touch. However, despite all the time Olivia spent with Elliot, she couldn't fall in love with him. She had first fallen in love with Alexandra Cabot, and then she had fallen in love with me. Elliot was never an option.

The night during the previous May had stood out. We had been at the annual police ball. Fin had asked me to be his date because SVU liked having their ADA there, and Munch pretended to be hurt at the prospect of being separated from his partner for the night. It was a beautiful night, the men in rented tuxedoes; the women in long, flowing gowns. Olivia had been Elliot's date, and when they entered the ball with arms linked, I nearly choked on my sip of champagne. She was dressed in a smoldering red gown, her hair and makeup done just enough to make her drop-dead gorgeous. I couldn't help but check her out as she slid into the chair next to mine.

"You look…amazing." I leaned in close to whisper this to her, though it didn't seem unusual because closeness was needed to hear over the noise level. Police officers were loud people.

"You don't clean up too bad yourself, Counselor." We were girlfriends then, though we were still trying to hide it. Despite this, she still found it necessary to slide a hand over my knee. She maintained conversation with the squad, while I willed myself not to make any sort of noise as her hand traveled ever so slightly up my thigh.

Dinner passed without incident, since Olivia needed both hands to eat. As our plates were slowly cleared, the dancing began. I danced the obligatory number with Fin, as he was my date, yet I kept my eyes on Elliot and Olivia the entire time. His arm was wrapped around her waist, holding her close to him. Their fingers were intertwined, and I saw him brush back her hair to whisper something in her ear.

I don't know why, but I grew strangely jealous in that moment. Olivia was openly gay to the squad, especially to Elliot, but he seemed to think he could get her, if only for a night, if only for one time. The song ended on a last long note, and the couples dissipated and returned to their respective tables for another round of champagne.

As more and more alcohol was consumed, the conversation became easier and the laughs were more abundant. By the next slow song, I was slightly tipsy and a little off balance. Olivia seemed to be too, yet she grabbed my hand and led me out to the dance floor, not far from the SVU table. We wrapped our arms around each other, and when I next spoke, my speech was slightly slurred.

"Liv…we shouldn't be…doing this here." I could barely get the words out. My head was heavy from a combination of the alcohol and the intoxication I was getting from being around Olivia. Either she didn't listen to my words or she didn't care about them because she was drunk, but she just pulled my body closer to hers and clung on for dear life.

"People will talk," I warned her.

"Let's give them something to talk about," Olivia replied. Her body pressed against mine was warm, and she began to run her hand through my hair. I leaned in at the same time she did, and our mouths met in a drunken passion, our minds too cloudy with alcohol to think of the consequences.

As I was still lost in the memory of May, Elliot's voice interrupted me.

"Still with me, Casey?"

"Yeah…sorry…Lost in thought, y'know." I paused, trying to think of what else I could say.

"See you later?" I tried.

"I'll be there, Casey."

I clicked the "End" button on my cell phone with a little more force than necessary as I got off my bed and stretched out. I walked to my bathroom carefully, as though walking on eggshells, and turned the shower on as hot as it would go. I stepped in, the immediate feeling of the water feeling like needles lashing at my skin, and only then did I begin to cry.

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It was warm that day. No biting winds, no chances of snow, rain, or anything else. It's what I loved about October: the changing weather, the changing colors of the leaves, the changes being made in the world. Not all change was bad, it turned out, but then things like Olivia's death proved that change could be bad. I sighed as I walked into the church that morning with Elliot. We sat together with the rest of the SVU squad, and before the service began, he gripped my hand lightly, then let go. I knew it was a sign that said he was there for me if I needed him. I already knew that, but it reassured me nonetheless.

The service now, as I look back, was mostly a blur. I was never much of a church person after my Confirmation, so I hadn't seen church in awhile. It took awhile to get reacquainted with what my mom called "The Catholics Workout": sitting, standing, and kneeling. I stood, sat, and kneeled at the appropriate times, but my mind was lost in memories of Olivia, instead of concentration on the hymns and prayers. Yet the last hymn made my ears snap to attention. It was one I knew, one pretty much everyone in the free world knew. I listened to everyone else's voices, while I concentrated on the words.

_Amazing grace, how sweet the sound_

_That saved a wretch like me._

_I once was lost, but now am found._

_Was blind, but now I see._

'_Twas grace that taught my heart to fear_

_And grace my fear relieved._

_How precious did that grace appear,_

_The hour I first believed._

_Through many dangers, toils and snares,_

_I have already come;_

'_Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,_

_And grace will lead me home._

I had never contemplated the words to that song before that moment. They were beautiful, appropriate words for a funeral, a perfect ending to life, a nice closing statement. It was a song about grace leading you through the trials of your life, bringing you safely home when all was done. Maybe that's how it was in death. Maybe it wasn't meant to bring tragedy. It was meant to bring safety - safety and love. And as the service ended, I was finally feeling that Olivia had not been taken from me, but she had been taken into safety. My heart was at rest.

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Hours later, I contemplated the envelope Elliot had given me outside the church. It was not addressed to anyone, but there was a single piece of paper inside. My breath caught in my throat as I realized Elliot had written a letter to Alex, explaining what had happened to Olivia. I tried not to cry, but was unsuccessful. My tears smeared the ink slightly, but it was still readable. The letter was truly bittersweet, and no emotion I had in my heart could convey the feeling in the letter from Elliot to Alex. It read:

_Alex,_

_I know you're not Alex anymore, but it's comforting to have a sense of familiarity in these times, since everything else familiar has disappeared. I don't know if anyone from Witness Protection informed you or not, but Olivia died. She was in a car accident and slipped away after a day-long coma and a night in ICU. I wish I could tell you this in person, but I can't, due to the obvious circumstances._

_Olivia died happy…she wasn't in any pain, at any rate. She did eventually move on after you left, but it wasn't us that did it. She met someone; Casey, the new ADA. You met her once…remember? I'm sure you do; she helped put Liam Connors behind bars. I know you only ever saw her as an attorney, maybe as a bit of a hard-ass, but she loved Olivia, and that's all we want to see, right?_

_I don't know why this has happened to us now. We need her here, Alex, and I know you are feeling the same as I am as you are reading this letter. I hope we can eventually hear from you again, but if we can't, say a prayer for us to help us make it through._

_Miss you,_

_Elliot_

No, the letter may not have been very long, but it was as much as Elliot could bear to write. He only wanted to let Alex know the basics: Olivia had died, but hadn't been unhappy.

I put the letter down and wiped my eyes gently. I tried to regain my composure when I heard the doorbell ring. I wiped my eyes a final time and moved to the door to open it. The form of the person standing there shocked me into oblivion.

"Mom?"

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TBC

A/N: Please review.


	8. Chapter 8

Ten Days in October

By: Lijep

A/N: The usual thank-you's to my beta and the readers/reviewers. On with the writing…

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**_Ten Days in October_**  
**_Day 8: October 29th_**

I hadn't slept well the previous night. My bursts of sleep were filled with dreams that both calmed and frightened me. I woke up in a cold sweat at 5 AM, wishing that Olivia were next to me to dry my tears and wrap her arms around me to ease my shaking body. Yet no amount of imagining would bring her back, no amount of tears I cried would ever allow me to see that beautiful smile or hear the easy laughter again.

I found myself seated in a small café around noon, dressed casually, as I had been given the day off by my boss. It showed she had at least an ounce of sensitivity for my situation when she called at seven saying, "No Casey, of course you don't have to come in. I wouldn't expect you to." I checked my watch anxiously and glanced out the window. My mother had called and proposed lunch, and I sat waiting for her, trying not to resort to shredding my napkin out of nervousness. Suddenly, looking a little frazzled, my mother entered. "Better late than never," I muttered under my breath before she sat down.

"Sorry I'm late, sweetie. There was subway traffic," my mother explained, shrugging off her jacket and sitting down across from me.

I nodded in reply and raised my coffee cup again. I left a slight lip gloss stain on the cup and rubbed it off with a small corner of my napkin. I played with the ring I always wore on my right hand and stared my mother in the eyes.

"So why did you want to have lunch?" As an attorney, I was never one for subtlety. I enjoyed getting straight to the point of things, not leaving anything to the imagination.

"I just wanted to…talk," she said, sounding like she hadn't provided enough of a reason. "I know you're going through a lot right now." She added this almost as an afterthought.

I pursed my lips as I nodded. "I am." I knew I was keeping my answers short, but I didn't know what to say to her. I knew what she wanted to talk about, and she wasn't getting there fast enough. Though instead of using a razor-sharp remark to try and help things along, I answered shortly, I kept her at an arm's length. It was a sense of protection, something I realized later. I didn't want either of us to be hurt by words that may or may not have been exchanged.

"Casey, please don't be like this, honey." Worry creased her forehead as she looked into my eyes. I knew how to stay level-headed through my years as a lawyer, and I quickly averted my eyes away from my mother so she couldn't see the outright fear in my eyes.

"Be like what? Cold? Detached? Like you?" The words came tumbling out harsher than I expected, and the obvious hurt in my mother's eyes hurt me.

"I know…I hurt you, Casey. I hurt myself by hurting you. But I don't know what to say to you anymore." My mother's eyes were filled with emotion, while I remained guarded. I pulled the ends of my ponytail over my shoulder and played with it to distract myself.

"You never could just accept me, could you Mom?" I began to sound angrier then, my voice rose a pitch. "I'm gay, Mom, and nothing you or anyone else says is ever going to change that. My girlfriend died, and all you can do is criticize me for being something you don't approve of instead of, offering me just the tiniest bit of sympathy. How the hell would you feel? Damn right you'd be hurt." I leaned back in the chair, and, despite the anger flowing through my veins, I also felt somehow satisfied with myself. I had finally let her know what I felt, as opposed to what she found convenient. I twirled my ring again and pulled at the stones on the bracelet which had been a gift from Olivia.

"Casey, you never strived for my acceptance in your life. I didn't know this…woman…but I can tell she meant a lot to you." My mother's voice was dripping with pseudo-sympathy and I could tell she was only telling me what I wanted to hear. She reached over to touch my hand, but I pulled it away and folded my hands in my lap. I wasn't suddenly longing to be Mommy's Little Girl. For the millionth time, I wondered why I had called her two days ago, and I began to realize more and more what a mistake it was.

"No, Mom, you don't know what _Olivia _meant to me." I emphasized the name, hating the fact that my mother only knew her as "that woman". I gathered my things quickly, dropped a ten dollar bill onto the table, and walked out into the cold, biting air. I went to the only place where condolence awaited. I knew what the touch in the church had meant. I went to Elliot's.

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Lizzie opened the door in her usual excited rush. Since the divorce, I had seen a lot of them around the precinct, and Lizzie immediately recognized me.

"Daddy! Casey's here!" Elliot came out of the kitchen and quickly told Lizzie she didn't have to yell when he was in the next room before shooing her up to her bedroom. Being the gentleman he was, he took my coat and hung it in the closet, then invited me to sit on the couch.

"You look like hell, Casey." I had been crying and my eyes were probably puffy and red. I wiped them on the back of my hand, taking half of my mascara and eyeliner with me. I leaned against Elliot's shoulder and breathed in his unique scent, a smell of laundry detergent, shampoo, soap, and aftershave. I rested my nose and mouth against his neck and instantly felt tired. I closed my eyes and nearly dozed off. I was emotionally and physically exhausted and I felt safe with Elliot, I felt as though I would be okay if I fell asleep.

"All right, come on," he said. He helped me off his couch and led me into his bedroom. He pulled back the freshly made covers and laid me down in the bed. I sighed gently as I rolled over on to the pillow. I opened my eyes and smiled gently at Elliot. He looked back at me and brushed a stray hair out of my eye.

"Could you just…lay with me?" I asked, barely suppressing a yawn. Elliot looked at me questioningly, wondering why I would want him with me in bed. But he didn't argue and crawled behind me. He cautiously rested a hand over my waist and my skin beneath his hand burned. I turned to face him, trying to figure out why I was in bed with Elliot Stabler. A daytime nap was unlike me, and as I looked into his eyes, I noticed that the confusion was mutual.

Thoughts were no longer connected to actions. I didn't know if it was the fatigue, the emotions I was feeling, or a combination of the two, but I didn't hesitate any longer. I reached my left hand up behind Elliot's neck and pulled our faces close enough so that the tips of our noses were touching. Despite the fact that I hadn't ever touched a man like this, I seemed to know exactly what to do. Our lips met gently, and his breath felt hot on my face when we broke for air.

"I can't do this," I muttered to him gently, knowing that what I said didn't matter anymore.

"I can't either. We can't do this Casey. You're gay."

"I know," I said, kissing him gently on the lips again.

"This doesn't mean anything?" He posed this question as he moved lower and began nibbling on my neck gently. I couldn't think, and I didn't know why I was doing this.

"It means nothing," I whispered into his ear. "Trust me. I'm gay…I'm lonely. We're both lonely Elliot."

"Stop talking, Casey."

I pulled his head off my neck and pulled it to my mouth again. I felt awful about this. I didn't want to do this with Elliot, and I was. Yet I couldn't stop him and I knew all hope was lost as his hand slid up my shirt gently. He gently caressed the skin under my shirt and moved his hand slightly upward. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't relax. And when I finally gave up, Elliot entered inside me, I felt as though I was a virgin again, and the tears slipped down my cheeks.

--------------------------------

"I'm sorry."

Elliot's whispered words were the first words I heard when I awoke. It was dark outside and I saw it was nearly 8 PM. I didn't know how long I had slept. I didn't know what to do now, and I wanted to break down and cry so badly.

"That…wasn't supposed to happen."

"I know."

I finally looked at Elliot. He looked guilty, like a five year old boy with his hand caught in the cookie jar. He knew he had taken something from me. I knew I had let him do it. I could have said no; Elliot would have stopped. I could've kissed him once more, rolled over, and fell asleep. I let it happen.

"It's not your fault, Elliot."

"I wasn't thinking…"

"Elliot…"

"No, Casey, this isn't right."

"It won't happen again." My voice came out harsher than I expected, and I felt horrible about talking like this to Elliot. I didn't resent Elliot; I didn't hate him for what he did with me. I loved him as a friend, and nothing more, but it still killed me. We knew the feeling we both experienced was betrayal towards Olivia. We had both broken some unspoken promise to her, to be faithful only to her. Five days after her death, we had already broken our silent pact. The guilt had already begun to consume my body and I rolled over not facing Elliot. I heard a stirring from across the room and saw Elliot appear in front of me.

"Just because it happened...nothing has to change," he whispered. He pushed my messy hair out of my face and knelt down in front of me, like a father tending to his sick daughter. And I felt ill in that very moment, like I needed Elliot to take care of me.

"Can I stay?"

"Yeah…of course. Um, you can, take a shower and change if you need it. Just borrow some clothes from me; you know where I keep them. I'll sleep on the couch tonight."

"Elliot, you don't have to. It's your house." I already knew what I was saying would have no effect on Elliot. Once he was set in his ways, there was no way to change his mind.

"Casey, we've both been through a lot this week. I'd just be happier knowing that you're comfortable. Please, just…make me happy, okay?" He smiled at me weakly and gathered a pillow and blanket off of the bed. I grabbed Elliot's bathrobe off the hook on the door and headed to the bathroom, figuring it was easier to just give up on the argument.

As I was in the shower with the warm water pelting my body, I heard the ritual of Elliot getting the twins ready for bed. I cried slightly, knowing that Elliot could still function and disguise his emotion, while I broke down daily and cried in the shower. I found myself in a situation that had me questioning my decisions in life to this point. What had happened between Elliot and I had changed me, though at that point, I hadn't recognized how much.

I washed myself with Elliot's body wash, not particularly concerned with the distinctive scent of a male. I carried perfume in my purse, though I didn't believe I would need it. The smell was soothing to me, and took me as far back as my young childhood, when my father would kiss me goodnight before bed. Life was easier then, I didn't worry about making it through the next day. And maybe that's how it was for Elliot, with his family and with his life. He could keep Olivia ever-present in his mind, though it wouldn't haunt him like it haunted me. He would never have to live without her touch, because he had never experienced it as I had. And although he had loved Olivia, and she had loved him platonically, he would never know that feeling of having her be deeply in love with him as she was with me.

And that's when I realized, as much as Elliot and I were alike and joined by this tragedy, we were also so drastically different.

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TBC

A/N: Reviews please.


	9. Chapter 9

Ten Days in October

By: Lijep

A/N: Thanks to my beta and the reviewers, of course. This never changes…

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**_Ten Days in October_**  
**_Day 9: October 30th_**

Central Park benches always seemed overly stiff and uncomfortable. On this particular day though, when the October days no longer had a chance of being warm and sunny, the benches seemed even worse. Elliot and I sat side by side, as close as humanly possible without touching. Part of our closeness was due to the fact that we were cold, but our mutual longing for the warmth of another person outweighed the fact that we were slowly becoming hypothermic. I looked down at the envelope in his hand, and then glanced back at him. The envelope he gripped in his hand had been delivered by an officer from Witness Protection that morning. Despite everything, I was at least grateful that Alex's mail was not delivered through the United States Postal Service: mail moved a lot faster when it moved through Witness Protection.

"You gonna open that?" I said, breaking the somewhat strained silence that was held between Elliot and me. I almost didn't want him to open it for fear of what Alex had written inside, but at the same time, I wanted to see what she had thought. He looked at me, and then stared at the crisp white envelope grasped by his black leather glove. Suddenly, out of nowhere, like a reaction occurring when the doctor hits a knee with the reflex hammer, Elliot thrust the letter at me.

"You open it." He phrased the statement like a dare, making this a twisted game of who was brave enough to open it. "Alex was never shy about eliminating confusion. She's very blunt, loves getting straight to the point. I don't think I could handle whatever is written in there. I want to read what she wrote, but…not right now." He was still holding the envelope out to me and I grabbed it without any further hesitation. I slid my red, cold finger under the envelope's delicate seal and removed the paper inside. What Elliot had said held strong. Alex's letter was indeed packed with emotion, and as I began to read, I found that I was having trouble holding myself together. I refocused my tear-filled eyes and looked back down at the letter, starting from the beginning. The letter read:

_Elliot and Casey,_

_I can't tell you how sad I was to hear the news of Olivia's sudden and untimely passing. Yet through the tears, I sat back and thought a bit, gathering back memories of Olivia, both happy and sad. There was the first heart-wrenching kiss in my office, and there was the time her eyes were filled with tears as I got into that black SVU to walk out of her life forever. Despite the tears, she was so beautiful in that moment and I almost couldn't bring myself to leave. However, I managed to, and up to this point, I still am able to wake up every day, even though I am still waking up without Olivia. _

_I know it's hard. Trust me; it never really gets any easier. Casey, you will hurt more than you'll ever know. Olivia was a dynamic person and you'll wake up every morning wishing she were there with you. And when you look at a picture of her, it will make you smile and cry at the same time. It was so easy to fall in love with her, but believe me, falling out is harder than it sounds. She was the only person who entered my life that I was truly and deeply in love with, and I will never be able to love another person as I loved Olivia. Casey, and even Elliot, you never will either._

_The two of you may never fully move on from the tragedy of losing Olivia. I will keep you both present in my mind throughout the period of time when this will hurt the most. Try to heal a bit more everyday, but even if you can't, know that Olivia will always love both of you. Allow the thought to comfort you through the hard times and to give you some peace of mind._

_I will only ask one more thing of you: try to keep in touch with me. With Witness Protection, I know it's not the easiest thing in the world, but I still would like to maintain contact with you while it's possible._

_Love,_

_Alex_

I folded Alex's letter back among the original creases and wiped my eyes and face. The chilly, gentle breeze tangled itself in my hair and tinted my cheeks a gentle pink. I looked at Elliot, trying to control my hair, and handed the letter to him, wondering if he would read it or just stash it away in the pocket of his black wool trench coat. He ran his gloved fingers over the edges of the paper gingerly, as though it might crumble into pieces if he handled it too roughly. Then, he unfolded the single sheet of paper and began to read. He held his hand to his mouth as he inhaled sharply at Alex's words, and, as much as he was trying to fight it, I noticed a tear slide down his cheek.

"Are you okay?" I asked, reaching out to place a reassuring hand on his knee. He covered my ungloved hand with his and intertwined our fingers gently. My body flooded with the warmth that his hand on mine caused. I knew I loved Elliot; I had loved him for helping me through this, for being there with me every step of the way. But at the same time, I knew I was not, nor would I ever be, in love with Elliot. We, along with Alex Cabot, wherever she happened to be, were united by the tragedy of losing the one person who had meant the world to all three of us.

I had thought we were different. I thought the love was different. But we were all identical. We had all loved Olivia, and we had all lost Olivia.

We were more alike than I ever believed.

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TBC

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A/N: This is WAY shorter than the other chapters, but I think that pretty much covers this chapter, don't you think? OH NO…only one more chapter to go. I'm kind of sad…Reviews?


	10. Chapter 10

Ten Days in October

By: Lijep

A/N: The LAST chapter. I cannot believe this is finally here. ::tear:: But I have thank you's, of course. First and foremost, I would love to thank my wonderful beta Color Esperanza…this story would be riddled with grammatical errors without your help! Also, thanks to my amazing reviewers, and anyone who put this story on their favorites list. You all pretty much rock. And of course, who can forget the wonderful idinakristin fan for reviewing EVERY SINGLE chapter, which is simply amazing. And one more thing, thank you Bright Eyes for "Messenger Bird's Song," which really influenced this story.

A note on the story, Casey is talking to Olivia in this chapter.

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**_Ten Days in October_**  
**_Day 10: October 31st_**

Halloween has arrived once again. Pumpkin, witch, and black cat decorations are abundant in my office. And I feel as if I am wearing a mask. I try to conceal my true emotions of complete and total devastation as I try not to focus on the memory of you anymore. Halloween always was your favorite holiday. I am trying to act as though the fact that you are gone doesn't completely tear me apart. But it does, and you are still not here to comfort me.

Elliot's been great, and we even managed to get in touch with Alex. I will forever miss the memory of you and me, yet these two seemed to make these past ten days semi-bearable. I remember your last words to me:

"_Don't we all…you'll be by the station later?"_

I can't help but cry when I note the fact that we never told each other "I love you" on that day. I had said it the night before, my breathless whisper strained as your lips pressed against my vocal cords. And that was the last time. The last time I ever saw your face, you were sleeping peacefully like an angel as I struggled to dress quietly, trying not to disturb your rest.

Seeing you in the hospital, I almost wanted you to die. Don't get me wrong, I wanted you here, but your face was cut and bruised, and you had a respirator in your mouth. You couldn't breathe on your own anymore, and all I remember about the day of your death were Elliot's consoling words: _"The doctor said she didn't feel any pain, but that doesn't really help us, does it?"_ It didn't help me at all, because the next week was torture. Your viewing made me nauseous, and your funeral absolutely killed me. My mother…you always wanted me to try to make things right with her. I tried…and I couldn't. I can still count the reasons why I hate her, and I can add one more to the list. She didn't think you were right for me.

I went to the cemetery today, and while I was there, I decided that I hate the word cemetery. I sat down on the ground in my business suit and powder blue coat that you hate. My suit was getting muddy, and for once, I didn't care. I traced the letters on your headstone gently, and I pressed my forehead against it, sobbing quietly. I am lost without you, Olivia. You were my light…and now I'm in the dark.

Elliot mentioned in passing the other day that he hasn't seen me smile in days. I never went an hour without smiling with you around. What's happened to me, Olivia? I cry instead of smile now, but, being ashamed to cry, I never let anyone see. Elliot's seen me crying, but that's the extent. You, Elliot, and my mother are the only people who have ever seen me cry. I guess I just exposed my own greatest weakness, my reluctance to let people in.

My office seems incomplete without the picture of you and me that I used to keep on my desk, so today, I put it back up. I cried looking at it, but I didn't care. I didn't make enough noise for people to know or care that I was crying, and it consoled me in a sick way. Only you could take away the tears and make me smile once again. Maybe that's why I haven't smiled in days.

Elliot and I slept together, and sex with a guy was the worst thing I ever experienced. No wonder I'm gay. I can picture you laughing at that remark. You had the most amazing laugh, Olivia, and it always sent shivers up and down my spine. You are so beautiful…why were you taken away from me?

I still have those roses that you gave me. I can't remember why you even gave them to me in the first place, but I know you made yourself a permanent fixture in my heart when you did. You had this silly little grin on your face, like a twelve-year old with her first boyfriend, and when I placed that ever-so-gentle kiss on your lips, I knew I had fallen in love.

And now…it's all over Olivia. I will never have you hold me in your arms again. The last time I saw that smile was the night before the crash. I can't ever hear that sexy, throaty laugh again, and even when I call your apartment, I get the greeting that says your line has been disconnected. Your cell phone still has your professional voicemail on it, though I'm the only person who calls it anymore.

Huang told me the only way I could ever begin to move on was to accept your death. This is me accepting it, Olivia. These ten days have proven to me what kind of person I am and the capacity of love that I have. You are my lover, even though you are no longer here. I will never love another person the way I loved you. I hope you know that, wherever you are now. I still half-expect to see your face in the precinct, but the face of your replacement is the one that glances back at me. I see the pain it causes Elliot, and the pain it causes me is so much more intense. I will never be able to say goodbye, which is okay with me, since you always hated goodbye anyway. But you're not here to argue anymore.

So, before I chicken out, before I decide this isn't the right thing to do, I'll say it:

Goodbye, Olivia.

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I rest the handwritten note on Olivia's gravesite and place a rock on top, hoping that it's strong enough to keep the letter from moving. Then, standing up from the cold, wet ground, I dust myself and continue to my car, knowing that the tears will soon be falling, and knowing that I'll never truly be able to heal.

Goodbye, Olivia.

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END


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